Division of Labor
I bet the subject most couples argue over is division of labor, how household chores are divided up.
My husband and I generally have a good system. For example, I do the shopping and cooking and he does the kitchen clean up. It might not seem completely fair, but I like to cook and I can make a pretty good mess.
We've had to change things up now that we’re traveling for a couple of months in a camper van.
Now it makes sense for me to do the cooking and cleaning, while he packs up the camper van. We’re just in each other’s way, if we try to help each other. It took us a little while to figure it out. I’m sure it will shift as we go.
It wasn't always so smooth...
Before my kids were school age, I became very frustrated by the perceived lack of equality in how household responsibilities were divided up between my husband and I. At some point I insisted that my husband and I see a marriage counselor.
A friend recommended someone. We went one time. She listened to me patiently, then suggested that I hire a mother’s helper a few hours a week. I was not happy with that simple suggestion. I wanted to go deeper!
I wanted her to tell my husband to "step up, do more, look within!!!"
We didn’t go back to her because I didn’t want to. We tried someone else that had been recommended. She was more my style. She was definitely on my side, she had plenty of suggestions for my husband do things differently.
Well, surprise, surprise, my darling husband didn’t want to go back to her. But I liked her and continued to see her on my own. I liked having someone to complain to.
I liked feeling like I was right and was on the moral high ground.
I don’t think it helped my relationship with my husband much.
During that time, my husband and I did find someone we both liked. It helped.
Do you know what really helped?
My yoga teacher/guru, happily married for over 25 years and father of three, was tough with me.
“Do you want to be married or do you want to be right?” Hmm, I didn’t like it, but it made me think. When I got over being irritated with my guru, I realized that the ball was in my court.
Time for me to grow up.
That was refreshing! It threw me out of the victim role in a hurry. If I could accept my husband for who he was and take charge of my own happiness, then I was in business.
Comment below if you've made relationship problems more complicated than they needed to be and found you could solve them more easily if you just got out of your own way.
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